Leading With Trust
Trust is the foundation of leadership. Learn about the subtle art of building trust through asking questions and really listening instead of giving answers.
Questions Not Answers
Children ask questions—lots of them. But at some point in school, they ask fewer and fewer questions. Only the correct answers to the teacher's questions count from then on. And so it goes on in professional life. Whoever is at the top and standing in front gives the answers, and those further down or at the back should better not ask too many questions.
Questions are a great way to better understand the world from different perspectives; this is why children ask so many questions—until they are systematically discouraged from asking them.
Who, What, Where, When, Why, How? If you don't ask, you stay stupid. This theme of “Sesame Street” has been getting to the heart of the matter for generations. Today, we need more of these questions than ever to understand the interrelationships in an increasingly global and complex world, not only in schools but also in the economy and society. Instead, we have become comfortable in our consumer attitude and demand quick and easy answers from “those up there,” whether as citizens or employees.
However, these answers rarely lead to insight but rather to dissatisfaction. Everyone has an opinion in the coffee kitchen and at lunch—usually not a good one. Criticism is always quickly practiced. However, the idea of asking questions to understand the communicated answer and position rarely occurs to anyone. The pattern of proclamations from above and obedience without true conviction further down is too well-rehearsed, and the awe and fear are often too great.
This sluggish cycle also causes dissatisfaction at the top. Therefore, much time and money is invested in communication and change management to improve the dissemination and reception of the given answers. Unfortunately, not many people at the executive level think about opening up other perspectives and solutions by asking sincere questions before giving their answers. The self-image that strong leadership must provide answers and that asking questions suggests incompetence and weakness is too deeply ingrained.
So, everyone remains more stupid than necessary. At the top, people miss better perspectives and creativity in finding solutions. At the bottom, they only see the final and nicely packaged answer, but rarely the questions and the process leading to this answer.
He who asks, leads. This is a golden rule in sales. Answers regarding the features and benefits of a product or service are more likely to be accepted if they fit the customer's situation and problem and make sense from an individual perspective. That's why good salespeople ask many questions and only allow the product's benefits to flow into the conversation. Talented salespeople do this authentically and unobtrusively so that the customer does not feel manipulated or pressured but understood and well-advised.
Conversely, it is also true that those who lead should ask questions. Asking questions is not a sign of weakness but wisdom. Socrates is credited with saying: “I know that I know nothing!” One of his favorite methods was asking questions to help himself and others gain wisdom. For him, being aware of the limits of his knowledge was a piece of wisdom: “I am wiser than this man, for neither of us appears to know anything great and good; but he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing; whereas I, as I do not know anything, do not fancy I do. In this trifling particular, then, I appear to be wiser than he, because I do not fancy I know what I do not know.”1
But not all questions are the same. It depends on the attitude. If you ask to confirm your opinion, you already have your answer and don't learn anything; you are just manipulative. Good questions enable a dialog at eye level. Edgar H. Schein calls this Humble Inquiry in his book of the same name and means asking questions without prejudice, with a genuine interest in the other person's perspective and opinion:2
Humble Inquiry is the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.
However, instead of enabling constructive dissent, closed questions are often (unconsciously) used to confirm one's position pseudo-democratically. So instead of asking, “Do we want to do it this way now?” or “Is that okay?” and being happy about the broad agreement, a more humble formulation and open question such as “What could we do to improve this even further?” would be much more inviting. Or perhaps “On a scale of 1 to 5, how confident do you feel about the proposal?”
Anyone who asks questions in this way and is able to listen, even if the answers may contradict their opinion, will significantly strengthen the relationships and nurture a climate of psychological safety, which, according to Google, is essential for team success (see Section “Diversity and Dissent”). Effective teams have high psychological safety, so members dare to speak their minds openly, show themselves vulnerable, and take risks.
This psychological safety paves the way for an open learning culture, which is at the heart of the impressive transformation at Microsoft under its CEO, Satya Nadella. He aptly describes the central challenge as transitioning from a know-it-all to a learn-it-all culture.3 Those willing to constantly learn automatically ask more questions and are less likely to fall into the complacency that Risto Siilasma perceived at Nokia after Apple introduced the iPhone: “The unspoken message I heard was: We are Nokia. We invented this industry. Let's keep doing what we do so well. Nobody does it better.”4
David Marquet also questioned his attitude as captain of the USS Santa Fe and established an entirely new leadership culture when he decided to stop giving orders. He achieved that by training his crew to think and decide like the captain by asking specific questions (see Section “Context Not Control”).
Asking questions instead of giving answers is not a sign of weak leadership but rather strengthens relationships and people. The decisive factor here is an attitude characterized by humility, authenticity, and a genuine interest in the other person's perspective. This is the only way to create the necessary psychological safety to ask the right questions without fear and to express one's opinion candidly. The resulting open learning culture protects against complacency and makes organizations fit for the future in our increasingly complex world.
Trust Is the Foundation
Sure, you can lead without trust. For instance, if your name is Caligula, you are a Roman emperor and have deliberately chosen the motto “Oderint, dum metuant!” which means “Let them hate me as long as they fear me!”. At least he was not hiding it and living authentically to his motto.
The resulting obedience may be satisfying for rulers like Caligula, who score high in the classic traits of the dark triad of narcissism, Machiavellism, and psychopathy. Yet, fear and pressure are not at all conducive to the creative peak performance needed in the knowledge work era. Knowledge workers must be managed like volunteers, as Peter Drucker has already demanded (see Section “Species-Appropriate Keeping of Knowledge Workers”), and a key ingredient to that is trust.
We trust another person if, first, the ideas, arguments, and competencies of the other person convince us (logic); second, if we perceive that person as sincerely human (authenticity); and third, if we feel that the other person is primarily concerned about us and the common cause (empathy). For Frances Frei and Anne Morriss, logic, authenticity, and empathy are the three drivers of trustful leadership relationships.5 Trust is only established when all three drivers are balanced. As soon as one of them is deficient, trust is lost, like a three-legged stool that wobbles or falls over if one leg is too short or breaks.
Leadership has to give orientation. In this respect, the dimension of logic is about visions, ideas, and convincing arguments. The vision's attractiveness and the argumentation's coherence naturally play a significant role here. Those who are not convinced will only follow reluctantly.
As a rule, many problems in this area are not due to the actual issue and the pros and cons but rather to presentation and communication. To this end, the two authors recommend simply getting straight to the heart of the matter and only then providing the arguments for it in the further course instead of missing the actual point after a lengthy explanation (and the associated discussion). However, this presupposes that you can clearly state and communicate the core of the matter, which is an art in itself.
Trusting relationships develop between people who are honest with each other in all their vulnerability. If these people, consciously or unconsciously, only play roles, the level of trust remains limited. Conversely, a high degree of authenticity leads to a high level of trust, and people can show all their individuality and develop to their full potential. Frei and Morris are essentially concerned with authentically representing your own position on the one hand and recognizing the resulting diversity of other people's positions on the other:6
So pay less attention to what you think people want to hear and more attention to what you need to say to them. Reveal your full humanity to the world, regardless of what your critics say. And while you're at it, take exquisite care of people who are different from you, confident in the knowledge that their difference is the very thing that could unleash your potential and your organization's.
Empathy is the biggest challenge for many leaders. In hierarchical organizations, leadership too often equals position and power. That is why leadership is too much about ego, assertiveness, and personal advancement. And people sense this. They feel that the leader is not concerned with them as people with their unique talents, needs, and concerns but that, in the end, they are just pawns, bargaining chips, headcounts, and resources.
Sometimes, even small changes in behavior can significantly increase empathy. For example, the two authors suggest observing yourself in meetings. When your interest is satisfied, your commitment drops and your gaze wanders to your smartphone or laptop with your unread emails. The associated signal is clear: My tasks are now more important to me than you, who are here with me in this meeting. In this situation, genuine empathy would mean taking responsibility for the other people in the room and their needs. And that starts with simply putting your smartphone away more often and devoting yourself entirely to the people in the room:7
Signaling a lack of empathy is a major barrier to empowerment leadership. If people think you care more about yourself than about others, they won't trust you enough to lead them.
Table of Contents
All links lead to the parts that are already published here on Substack.
The 14 Principles Behind the Manifesto
Questions Not Answers
Trust Is the Foundation
Safety Not Fear
He Who Says A Does Not Have to Say B
Integrity Over Charisma
Disturbing the Comfort Zone
Get to Work!
Leading by Example
Incitement to Rebellion
Set Priorities
Enduring Dissonance
Doing Your Best
The next chapter will follow next Friday. In case you want to read on as soon as possible, the book is available on Amazon in many countries as hardcover, paperback, and for your Kindle. (also on Leanpub). And all my German readers can get the German edition in every book store.
“I Know That I Know Nothing,” in Wikipedia, August 7, 2024, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=I_know_that_I_know_nothing.
Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein, Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, Second edition, revised and expanded (Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc, 2021), 2.
Diana Bass, “Satya Nadella Talks Microsoft at Middle Age,” Bloomberg Businessweek, August 4, 2016, https://www.bloomberg.com/features/2016-satya-nadella-interview-issue/.
Risto Siilasmaa, Transforming Nokia: The Power of Paranoid Optimism to Lead through Colossal Change (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2019), 54.
Frances X. Frei and Anne Morriss, Unleashed: The Unapologetic Leader's Guide to Empowering Everyone around You (Boston, MA: Harvard Business Review Press, 2020).
Frances X. Frei and Anne Morris, “Begin with Trust,” Harvard Business Review, no. May-June 2020 (May 1, 2020), https://hbr.org/2020/05/begin-with-trust.
Frei and Morris.